Excuses, excuses

A wise person once said, don't complain, don't explain. Well, my readers generally ask me what the hell I'm doing if I'm not blogging. If you must know, my roommate's been out of town, so I've been luxuriating in the...luxury...that's afforded one who is once again living alone, albeit temporarily, namely, wandering around the apartment en déshabillé, reading books (just knocked off Kitchen Confidential that Carter loaned to me and started in on The Satanic Verses--by Salman Rushdie, did I have to explain that? No, I'm not going to sacrifice my roommate's cats to Beelzebub or start biting the heads off lizards), listening to Marvin Gaye as loud as I please (and dancing around, singing the Tammi Terrell parts of their duets into a hairbrush), eating peanut butter out of the jar, and generally goofing around.



I know you've all been worried sick over the last week about whether my nose has fallen off or developed some sort of grotesque deformity. You'll be happy or sad to know that all's normal. The last of the stitches (I think) came out of my nose the other day at the gym, so THAT's over with. My next visit to Doc isn't until June 9.

So one thing I've noticed lately is that the swelling between my eyebrows went down, about which I'm very glad. Not to throw in yet another Buffy the Vampire Slayer reference here, but I felt a little like the monster of the week with that part of my face swollen. It doesn't even hurt so much to the touch any more (on the bone part, that is) and the cartilage is feeling a little more supple, though nowhere near a normal nose's squishiness.

So, I went to see my Aunt Dee Dee and Uncle Richie last weekend and my aunt agreed that my nose looked a lot better in person than it does in photos (Aunt Dee Dee was all excited anyway, this was the first time she has

seen me since before the operation). In person, we both thought it still looked a little wide, but just from the swelling. Anyhow, the photos I'm posting today (5 weeks post-op) are my attempt at slightly better photography and I think my nose looks truer to reality in them. I'm all gussied up because I took them while I was trying on dresses for a ball I'm going to next month (yes, another one), and I thought I'd try to look a little pretty for you all.

Happy Anniversary!

Once upon a time, I worked a few cubes down from this guy whom I call "Sexual Harassment Dave." Dave was a goofball, and not in the funny, lovable sense, but more in the what-are-you-thinking sense. Dave used to do things like proposition the receptionist and send vulgar Christmas cards to the ladies in the building's hair salon. We actually didn't know about all this until after he left. Weird things he did that we knew about included writing an album's worth of songs about Princess Diana, distributing copies of the disk to everyone in the office asking for our opinions on it (I still have this in case it's ever necessary for evidence in court or can be sold to a media outlet), and blowing off a big deadline because it was his and his girlfriend's three-month anniversary.

So, anyway, I'm going to make a big deal about my one-month rhinoplasty anniversary, but I want you to know that I'm slightly embarrassed and am not trying to be Dave.

To celebrate, let's do a little retrospective for the benefit of those just tuning in and leave it at that.

Here I am at one of the last functions where I'm allowed to have an alcoholic beverage two weeks before the surgery.

March 17, T-about 20 minutes here. Wow...I can't say that's a look of confidence on my face there as I get ready to go into surgery. Ashen is, I think, the appropriate word here.

Day after surgery. Oooh...I don't miss this part one bit.

One week post op. Scary, unbandaged person.

And here we are earlier this week at four weeks. Not much different on the front view, but the profile is a bit of all right.

Crazy Thoughts, Part III (Plus Bonus Crazy Actions!!!)

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while, friends. It's been a busy few weeks here in my world and I'm broadcasting live from next to a stack of unread books, some stuff I keep meaning to take to Goodwill, and a highboy whose drawers I can't shut all the way without refolding their contents. The point is, my life has given in to entropy lately.

Anyway, my biggest nose news of this week involved a trip to Doc's office. I've already told Elle Woods this story and she warned me not to gross out my readers, and Peter made me stop telling it because we were sitting next to some people in a pizza parlour who were eavesdropping and he didn't want to spoil their appetites. So...how to put this as delicately as possible? Well, I noticed what turned out to be dissolvable stitches that weren't dissolving. Let's just say that I found out through some rather medieval means that, internally, my nose wasn't healing the way it should. And it was scary.

There is a hypochondriac gene in my family and I have it. I try to repress it and not be outwardly dramatic but, to my great embarrassment, I've been to the doctor thinking I had skin cancer when I really just had a wart. In this case, in my mind I was sure my nose was going to become gangrene. Abscesses. Perforated septum. Just plain fall off. I'd be some odious ghoul and would have to be sent away from society. And Doc was going to look at me, indignantly: What Did You Do? he'd ask. I'd immediately have to go in for emergency surgery, I was certain, costing thousands of dollars, and it would still be deformed. Oh, the shame and horror!

Oh, and I'd forgotten my cell phone that morning, so I didn't have anyone's number to call and ask them to pick me up after they operated on me, so I worried about that. You thought I was joking, didn't you? No, really, I'm not kidding about the hypochondriac thing.

I called Doc's office around one o'clock on Monday, told them what was up, and they asked me to come in at 3:15. Oh, well, this confirms it, then. They want me there, now! You're in Michael Jackson territory. I told my boss that I had to leave at three because the doctor wanted to see me, right away. No, no, nothing to be alarmed about, I said, trying to contain the theatrics.

At 3:15, the office was pretty empty--there was no one in the waiting room. One of the nurses called me in and I explained what happened, waiting for a reprimand and the emergency team to swing into action. She took a cursory glance up my nose and told me I'd popped a stitch and to swab some Neosporin over it. Nothing to worry about, it'll heal completely! She said.

So you all will be happy to know that my nose is intact and still healing nicely.

Monday was also the four-week point after my surgery. I have to say that I'd have thought my nose would stop hurting by now, but it still does. I still have to be gentle with it when washing my face. I saw stars after I whacked it with an apple while taking a bite. I put out the question on the MakeMeHeal.com boards--everyone else was pretty curious about this, also. I got one response from someone who was at the five-month mark who said that it finally stopped hurting around 3 1/2 months.

Oh well...I knew this was a tough row to hoe from the get-go (I didn't really mean that to rhyme), so no complaining.

And, by the by, sorry there are no photos here--will try to update this post later and hopefully Blogger photo upload will be working.


UPDATE--Ok, whatever Blogger's problem was is now fixed, so here are my Week 4 photos. My eye's much better here, you can't even see the red in the photos and there's really just a little spot left. Still a little swollen, and that comes and it goes.

Wearing a Face That I Keep in a Jar

To further prove to you that I DO wake up and put on proper clothes and some makeup and brush my hair and go to an office and do something all day that doesn't involve this blog, here's a shot of me dressed: not in a robe or a nightgown, but an ironed shirt and all kitted out to go to work.

My bruises are all gone, I'm just still waiting on that one eye to heal, but it's coming along. The strange thing about how my eyes are healing is that it seems to come in fits and starts: one morning, it's significantly less red, then no progress for days.

This morning also marked my return to an exercise routine--35 minutes on the elliptical machine followed by The Firm's Ab Sculpt routine. I think the elliptical is a good choice for this stage of the game because it's not jarring or particularly strenuous.

Here We Are Now, Entertain Us!

My friend Carter suggested that I needed some nice photos of myself up here at the Rhinoblog. I guess the no-makeup self-portraits of me in the bathroom or at the dresser aren't all that flattering, but, well, this is a public service here all in the name of science. I aim to give you the unvarnished story of my surgery, no glamor shots allowed. But, because I'm also here for your entertainment, I will happily indulge my readers.

Last night was the Bachelors and Spinsters Ball at the City Tavern Club and also the first time I've had social photos taken since before the surgery. Here's one of Carter and me waiting to get in to the CTC. No more bumpy nose! This isn't my best angle for photos, though, and I think it looks bigger here than it is in person. Oh well, I suppose my nose will remain persistently un-photogenic.

I wish I had some better shots for you all, but my pictures didn't come out all that well. This next one is a little fuzzy if you click it into to full size. Sorry.

Anyway, that's all I have right now. I'm not putting the ones up where I look fat or shiny, which is pretty much the rest of them. I know I said no glamor shots, but the posting of fat photos violates the Standards and Practices here.

In other news, since I'll be at the three-week mark tomorrow, I've decided to start taking some exercise again. You may have noticed that I'm starting to get a bit pudgier (I sure have!), which is completely unacceptable. I think running and swimming are still out of the question, so I'm going to give the elliptical machine and the exercise bike a shot and kick the diet back into gear.

Ask a Rhinoplasty Patient, Part II (UPDATED)

Elle Woods asks: First, is the 4th Season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer the one where Angel goes bad? I loved that season best. Second, if it takes a nose so long to heal how to celebrities sort of get away with hiding it?

Dear Elle,

Thank you for asking! No, the fourth season of BtVS was the one where Buffy went to college and Angel ran off to L.A. (and his own show). Angel goes bad in “Surprise,” during the second season. I agree that season two was probably the best of the series. The fourth season marked a decline in the quality of the story arcs and the remainder of the series suffered from the introduction of the more irritating characters like Tara, Dawn, and Andrew, and while the better ones--Oz, Cordelia, and Joyce—were sent packing.

As for celebrities hiding during their plastic surgery recoveries, I just did a little research on this. I sort of assumed that they just lolled around their well-appointed houses and sent the help out for takeout sushi. I also assumed that their houses were probably much more interesting to hang around than a 9^th-floor two-bedroom condo in west Alexandria. They also don’t have to worry about getting out the TPS reports at the office; as long as she’s ready for her next movie, no one would probably wonder where Catherine Zeta-Jones has been for the last two weeks. Probably off gallivanting to a private island; who would bat an eyelash?

As it turns out, I’m not so far off base. A little Google research revealed that a favored plastic surgery destination for celebrities is a place in the 90210 called Hidden Garden. According to Victoria Duckett (quoting an interview with somebody-or-other in Star magazine) in the book, Meta-morphing: Visual Transformation and the Culture of Quick-change (which examines “digital morphing…as a cultural practice specific to our times and as a link to a much broader history of images of human transformation”--enthralling topic, I’m sure), this clinic “sneaks celebrities into a plush Bentley or Rolls-Royce that delivers them—via a private garage—to a door that leads directly to their room where they hide out in pampered luxury until the swelling subsides.”

So there you have it. Celebrities aren’t confined by the strictures of corporate America’s vacation policies and also have more money than I do. I should also note that everyone is different with their recovery times. Some people have no bruises at all, some people are still bruised a month after surgery. This depends on surgical techniques and what you’re having done. Some folks just have a much more traumatic and invasive surgery than others.

I’ll leave you with today’s photo. Have a great weekend!

***Ahem*** Elle Woods was unsatisfied with my reply, so I will try to clarify--you're only really badly swollen for about a week and a half, and some people not even that. My nose is still definitely swollen, but if you passed me on the street today, you wouldn't notice. Anyhow, there is a whole cottage industry devoted to finding out who had what done in Hollywood.

I Can't Feel My Face, Steve!

I don't watch TV. OK, occasionally, I'll put on the History Channel or Discovery, but there hasn't been a show that I HAD to watch since the fourth season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I only have cable because it comes free with the rent. As a result, most pop culture references go over my head. Supermarket tabloids puzzle me: I don't know who most of the "famous people" are. My roommate sometimes starts talking about something going on on American Idol, when she of all people should know that I have no idea what she's talking about.

Add to this that I stopped listening to regular radio and listen almost exclusively to the 80s channel and the new wave station on XM. When the Drudge Report today said that Mariah Carey beat Elvis Presley's record for most #1 songs, I thought to myself, but Mariah Carey hasn't had a hit since I was in college, right? And isn't she supposed to be in a straightjacket?

In high school, Mom used to look over the Billboard hits listing in the Sunday newspaper and say, "I don't even know who any of these bands are! What is this?" and my 15-year-old self would roll my eyes and say something like, "Like, duh, Mom, it's Oasis," or whatever it was teenagers said back then. But now I've turned into my mom--who are these people? What are they talking about? Hang your coat up!

Anyway, I digress. So I was at the Capitol Hill Club with some friends the other night and I invited my friend whom I'll call Julian McMahon because he looks just like him, except not old. I was telling everyone about how it was weird that my nose would itch, but I can't actually scratch the itch because I can't feel my nose. Julian's all--oh, like that GEICO commercial with Joan Rivers, ha ha ha! And everyone at the table is cracking up, so I just smile and nod because I don't need to call it to everyone's attention that I'm off the grid.

So, for your benefit, in case you are also pop culturally illiterate, I went and found the commercial on YouTube. It's funny! Am I smiling? I can't tell!


Also, then, here's today's picture of me. Not much different. My nostrils are getting a little uneven--if you click on the picture, it makes it larger and you can see how one is a little wider than the other. This is all caused by swelling and is perfectly normal. the tip of the nose is actually the last thing to heal. I was reading an article in Elle magazine (the one that Shari brought) about a woman who had her eyes done and she started complaining to her plastic surgeon about something or other and he said to stop freaking out and that "the complaints department opens in six months." Just something to keep in mind. I think a lot of people expect instant gratification, and it is a little discouraging sometimes. I wonder if people on the street are thinking, look at that piggy-looking girl! Or if people are thinking, she paid for her nose to look like that??? I know that my nose is a work in progress, and I probably shouldn't worry about what other people think, but geez, if I didn't care what I looked like, I'd just wander around with my big nose and wear track suits everywhere, wouldn't I?

Post-Op Visit

OK. I've about had it with these pictures with this screwed-up eye. I look like I am Quasimodo, or someone with a wandering eyeball. This picture is from today, incidentally. I shouldn't really complain; my bruises are light enough that I can cover them up pretty effectively, it's just the blood in the eye. Incidentally, when you break a blood vessel in your eye, people feel compelled to tell you about it, in case you didn't have any mirrors in your house and may have missed it. I tell complete strangers about my nose job to head off the shocked looks on their faces. No, no! I don't have leprosy, just a nose job!

So I had my first visit with Doc since the surgery yesterday. It was completely uneventful and lasted less than five minutes. He was very pleased when he walked in with how my nose looked. The second thing he said was that the blood in my eye will go away, it just takes time (yes, I've figured that out, Doc...I even creep out my doctor with my scary eyeball. The man cuts into flesh and breaks bones for a living, for crying out loud).

I asked Doc about the bump under my eye and he felt down the side of my nose and said that I actually had that bump on both sides, just one was more pronounced than the other. That was where he broke the bone. This, whatever it is, is supposed to be reabsorbed. I guess it's whatever makes bone heal?

He said that right now, my bones are sort of set, but if I were to be hit in the face with a baseball or something, it would screw up my nose, but shy of that, it's not moving, so I don't have to sleep on a pile of pillows any more. Also, I don't need to ice my nose any longer since it won't do much good at this point. I asked him when it's going to stop hurting when I touch my nose and he said that the bones should heal in a few more weeks and then it will stop hurting and just be swollen. Anyway, I don't have to go back for another two months unless anything bad happens.

In other news, I'm starting to feel flabby with all this not exercising. To tell the truth, my diet hasn't been great; last week was a succession of Easter leftovers and this week I'm just eating...stuff...that I come across--a can of she-crab soup, a grilled cheese sandwich, popcorn, just anything. A friend suggested the Perricone diet, so I might check in to that. I'm hoping I can start doing SOMEthing soon, but walking makes my nose hurt. Not so much in rubber-soled shoes, but when I'm walking down the hallway in dress shoes at the office, with every step I feel my nose going boing, boing, boing!