Do you pick your plastic surgeon like you pick your....

So how did I find Doc?

Really unscientifically, that's how.

I put out the APB that I was getting a nose job and asked for some advice from friends and on a website I belong to (OK, I'll 'fess up: it's LNS, and--run with it--there was bound to be someone in Georgetown who has had a nose job). They gave me the names of a couple of seemingly capable doctors around DC.

The thing is, making doctor's appointments is intimidating, not to mention a PITA. So I went with the first (and only) one I talked to (oh, but isn't that always the case? I also bought the first car I test drove).

Doc did up some friends of my friend's mom and he came highly recommended. He's listed as one of the best plastic surgeons in the country, so don't let me have you think he's some quack I picked out of the phone book by throwing darts at it.

Anyway, I looked through some of Doc's other work and there wasn't any crazy nose-jobby looking folks in there. His patients all still pretty much looked like themselves, just better, like the difference it makes when you put on the right kind of undergarments with an outfit. I felt like I was in really capable hands. That's what sold me.

Ah, Washington...It's always "who you know" here.

Number 12 Looks Just Like You

"So what kind are you going to get?"

"Well, I mean, it's going to be MY nose, only smaller."

This is the most frequent comment after, "but you don't need a nose job!" since I've been telling the world that I'm getting my nose done (no, I'm not keeping it a secret: I think everyone might be tipped off when I go around with a bruised-up face...What am I going to say? I ran into a door? My name is Luka?).

The Twilight Zone had an episode that I loved where they posited that, in the future (the year 2000), everyone would have to go through "The Transformation"--a radical change in appearance and, as it turned out, personality--in order to become beautiful, and everyone picked from a certain number of models with little deviation.

To clarify: when you go to the plastic surgeon, he doesn't toss the J.C. Penney catalogue of noses at you. I guess some people cut out photographs of noses they admire, but I'm not interested in approaching my plastic surgery like the doc and I are playing with Mrs. Potato Head.

Doc and I talked about aesthetics during my consultation. My nose, as it happens, has a perfect nasolabial angle (way to go, genes!), which is the angle between your nose and your upper lip. For women, it's supposed to be 110 degrees, give or take. He's planning on shaving down the wee bump I have and narrowing the upper third part (which I think involves breaking my nose; I was hoping to avoid that, but oh, well. I forgot to ask for clarification while I was in there) and defining the tip. I didn't even think about the tip thing; that never really bothered me so much, it's just that my nose is so....wide!

Anyway, folks, my point is, we don't just slap on nose #23.

Why am I doing this?

This is partly cathartic, partly a public service, partly to keep in touch with friends about what's going on with my nose, and partly for posterity. I have researched rhinoplasty since I was a teenager, think the process of it is thoroughly vile, prefer not to think about it deeply lest I become nauseated, and am primarily concerned about the risks, the pain, and the thoughts going through one’s head.

I hate watching television, so I’ve missed any insights into this aspect of surgery which may have been detailed on Nip/Tuck, Dr. 90210, or whatever the hell Discovery Health is showing (a channel which is far more offensive than happening across porn, in my book…There ought to be some sort of black-screen three-second delay while you’re flipping through to warn you that you’re about to witness graphic child birth or heart surgery. If you want to whine at me about the beauty of child birth because it’s natural and a part of life, save it; so is going to the toilet, and I don’t want to watch that, either).

It is difficult to find any decent blogs in this vein; Google “nose job blog” and you’ll come across doctors taking questions from illiterate patients whinging about their nose being swollen, or celebrity gossip blogs talking about whether some no-talent starlet had her schnoz bobbed or not, and occasionally a blog written by a patient, usually someone painfully vapid, or at the worst, someone with an anti-plastic surgery agenda spreading misleading information to frighten the masses.

I hope to fill the void with what I hope is helpful information, maybe some humor, and a bit about my own experience that someone considering plastic surgery might find sensible and perhaps sympathize with.