Monday, November 24, 2008

People Have Their Noses Bobbed For Love

In case you hadn't noticed, a lot of things bug me. I think I'm going to sound like a broken record on this theme, but I want to talk a bit about being right with yourself. Several months ago, a very dear (guy) friend of mine asked me what was wrong with him that needed fixing in order to be more successful in dating.


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Let's back up a second. Before I had my nose done, my roommate told one of her colleagues that I was having it done. "Why?" he asked. "She doesn't have any trouble getting guys."

Sigh...If that was all there was to it, EVERYone would have their nose done. Before anyone goes running off getting plastic surgery to improve their love life, let me tell you that I'm not setting the world on fire, unless you mean in a Norse mythology sort of way. I'm loathe, as I've told you, to discuss my dating life via blog, but there's a reason I hang out with my exes so often. I'm not asked out all that often and when I am, 98% of the time, he turns out to be a misfit toy or a svengali.

Folks, if you feel bad about rejection in the normal course of human relationships, the last thing you want is to have thousands of dollars of cosmetic surgery, work your butt off to lose a few pounds, and then get dumped or played. If you think that, all of a sudden, George Clooney is going to ask you out, you're going to be disappointed. The guy you've had a debilitating crush on? Well, there's a very good chance he still won't fall in love with you. I have dark nights of the soul where I'm convinced that I'm hideously unattractive and that I'm going to end up alone, with the clocks stopped at twenty of nine and one shoe on.


So, what I'm telling you is, if you're going to have plastic surgery, don't be surprised if you wake up and find out that you're still the same person you were before the surgery and that other people treat you exactly the same as they did before. If, all of a sudden, you have the world on a string after you're healed, that's a nice bonus, but it's not likely.




Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Ask a Rhinoplasty Patient, Part IV

Ok, don't get too excited here, what with ANOTHER blog post, and so soon. I felt rather chipper and literary, so thought I'd write for you all. These things can't be forced, you know. I must feel inspired...Oh, let's face it: I'm a pretty lazy person with a short attention span, and I'm running out of things to write about within the realm of rhinoplasty. Many people have asked me to write on other topics and, well, maybe I will. I've been throwing around the idea of either a curmudgeonly advice column or a Jen's Misadventures in Dating sort of blog, but well, even though I go out on some pretty unfathomable dates with some socially inept cretins, they're still socially inept cretins with feelings and, in my more sympathetic moments, I'd feel bad if they read about themselves in my blog.

Moving on to today's question:

Dear Rhinoplasty Patient,
Are your scars healed now?

Chris

Ok, before I answer this, Chris has known me for a long time. How long, exactly? (Apologies to Chris, but these are the hazards of asking The Rhinoplasty Patient).

Here we are at my senior prom. You're probably thinking, jeez, Jen, there's a lounge singer in DuPont who wants his dress back. My only defense is, it was 1996. I'd rather not discuss my hair or makeup or posture, which are awful for any time period.






Anyhow, why do I bring this up? I don't see Chris much these days, and I think he was worried that I was going to come out a gorgon, but was very kind with his encouragement nonetheless. I think folks who have known you a long time become very concerned that you'll look different from how they remember you. Chris actually asked this question way back in May, and has seen my photos since then through the magic of Facebook, and he approves.

Dear Chris,

After the first couple of weeks, and really only then because of the swelling and black eyes, a nose job patient will look completely normal even though they're still pretty banged-up on the inside.

When you have a nose job, you either have an "open" or a "closed" procedure. An open procedure is when the surgeon cuts the skin right under your nostrils and peels it back and works on your nose and then stitches you back up in the same spot. This is, understandably, more traumatic. I think open procedures are a bit more rare these days, but even when you have an open, you're given salves and whatnot so that you're not going to have a scar when all is said and done.

I had the closed procedure. During a closed rhinoplasty, the surgeon goes into your nostrils and cuts away at the bone, sight unseen, but because plastic surgeons are typically the best surgeons, period, this is okay. He can tell what your nose is going to look like because your skin will drape over the bone and he can pretty much see the end result before you swell up like a Macy's Day Parade balloon. All of the stitches are inside of your nose, sewn with dissolvable stitches (which are really very interesting and maybe a topic for another day). Once the swelling goes down and the black eyes go away, no one can tell you had surgery by looking at you.


Anyhow, to close, I went around telling everyone that I was going to do a six-month anniversary blog post. Clearly, that didn't happen. I DID actually take some six-month anniversary photos, posted here. I would take some eight-month anniversary ones, but, well, I don't look any different, and it's after 9 p.m. while I'm writing this, and my makeup doesn't look so fresh.


So first, here's me in one of my photo studios a/k/a the bedroom, complete with unmade bed, trying to figure out the lighting.


Then I took this one, which I rather like and I call my Great Expectations shot because it's so...green. Green top, green eyes, green earrings and sort of a sepia mist over the whole thing. The Great Expectations reference because the director of the 1998 movie version is this guy who has a thing with green. Go ahead and rent it, or just take my word for it.

Here are the more familiar front and side shots, once I stopped messing around being arty with the lighting. It has a scoop to it!


Monday, November 17, 2008

I Get That a Lot

"This doesn't look like you."

"I get that a lot."

So it's been eight whole months since my nose job and about eight years since my last blog post, it seems. And my car hit 39,000 miles, so it's birthdays all around.

As I wrote in my last blog post, back when Shelbyville was called Morganville, and it was the style to tie an onion on your belt, and nickles had bumblebees on them, I have a lot of problems with my driver's license. I've been asked for other forms of ID at bars, my friend Roger told me I looked like a 40-year old divorcee, and, well, I get a lot of hairy eyeballs and snickers. My driver's license is up at the end of the year, so I went ahead and got a new one on my lunch break. In case you're in awe of this feat, I'll tell you that the Virginia DMV is extremely efficient and I was out the door in less than a half-hour, and I only wanted to stab one person in the eyeball, and she was a customer.

"I need to renew my license, but I absolutely have to get this picture retaken, " I told the guy at desk #4 when my number was called (in less than three minutes). He looked at it and gave me the "Hmmmm...." you get when someone is trying to be diplomatic and not ask you if you stole your driver's license from someone in a rehab clinic or possibly a fat farm.

The photo-taking guy (a different guy) called my name, looked at my license, looked at me, and said, "this doesn't look like you." My new one popped up on the screen, "Ahhh, very nice photo," which I'm sure he tells all the girls. He was very kind in dealing with my vanity, taking two photos because my hair was messed up in the first one.

So I anticipate no further interrogations on the driver's license front; though this one will be valid until I'm 38, at which point, I could look like a hausfrau, for all I know.

That business aside, I'll bet you're wondering how my nose is doing! Or else you're bored at work and are amused by my babble. The nose is great aside from a few things. For one, it runs a lot. Especially in cold weather, like everyone's does, but I use a lot of tissues. Do you ever feel your nose running, and it's not such an opportune time to get out a tissue? And you hope the person you're talking to can't see that your nose is running? That's a daily occurrence for me. So I'm hoping that stops sometime soon.

My nose is still a little stiff, though you can move it around a bit now--I can still freak people out a little by telling them, "Touch my nose!" and people ALWAYS take me up on that offer, as opposed to the "Pull my finger" offer or the "This tastes awful--try it!" offer that one commonly receives. First you get the look--did she really just ask me to touch her nose? She'll LET me touch her nose? Should I? OK, I'm pretty curious. Next, the hesitant jab towards my face. Then, the look of wonderment that, indeed, my nose IS stiff as a board.

Finally, sunglasses continue to hurt. It's not awful, just uncomfortable. The bridge of my nose just feels bony and fragile and I haven't gotten used to that yet, and I'm not sure I will.

"So are you happy?" I get that a lot, too. Yes! I'm thrilled and I'm only sorry I didn't have it done sooner.